YUM

I get so confused....

Sometimes I don't know where I'm going.

I know what I want to do. I have goals. I have dreams. I have aspiration and ability.

But do I know how to get there?

Will I ever know?

Fuck.

Kiss

I want it. I want you.

What must it be like to be desired? To have the words, the flirtations, the promises, become real?

My skin itches for it. The touch. The first kiss. The first REAL experience that has meaning and I remember forever instead of a drunken mistake with a guy I barely knew the name of.

I wanna kiss you. See where it goes.

When Will It Be Me?!

Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I make it stop?

It feels like everyone has a someone. I never had a best friend, I mean, I thought I did, but even then, it was never like a team. Me & ____. No, I never had that.

And the one time I had a relationship, it was broken, right from the start. She never loved me, I didn't really love her... it was a huge mistake.

And they physical. Oh God, I want the physical. I want it so bad I literally ache. I've been ready for so long and it just never happened for me. I'm scared it never will. Realistically I know it will, but when the parting words from the guy I (nearly) lost my virginity to were "It could have been worse," it doesn't do much for your confidence.

I want to be The One. The Best Friend. The Lover. The Best.

I like his face.

Whoa, I'm Alone

There few things worse than a Friday night. To some, it symbolizes freedom, and they get together with their friends and hang out and drink and dance and have fun. Or just hang out on the couch, have sex, go to bed with their favorite sleeping buddy...

Or you're like me. And you go home to your computer and your parents and your dogs, and you try to reassure yourself that you're working to save money so you can move. So that hopefully you can find those things in another place. A sleeping buddy. A friend to laugh with. A life.

Part of me knows it's my fault. I'm shy, kinda scared to put myself out there, fearful of rejection. That's kind of how I've always been, and it's not helpful to my well-being. But I like people to like me, and there is nothing worse than that feeling of a person looking you up and down, sneering, and walking away. Just plain ignoring you because your friend looks better through beer goggles. I've never ever once felt attractive to anyone, and part of going out and having fun is having confidence in yourself, which is shoddy at best on my part.

Part of it is where I live, which is why I want to move so badly. I literally live in a one-stop light town (and it's not even a stop light...) and the town nearby doesn't have much more to offer but a one-night stand with a tourist and/or a local guy who bow hunts, has a tin of chew and 3 children with his high school sweetheart (who he's still married to). Trust me. I've gone out. That was the major demographic. That guy, and then the guy that does meth that I went to HS with.

I'd do anything to change it. I work and save as much as I can to make sure that I can just leave someday and be able to *finally* support myself. I want independence, for myself and from the circumstances I live with daily. I hate what I have become. And I don't want to just lay here and take it. I also know that I have made too many excuses and they have to stop... I need to be motivated!! Friends do not make themselves.

............................................................................................ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!