No More

Dear A, HO & TF,

Yes. Our middle school nicknames that we gave each other when A and D were being buttheads and kept us out of everything. I know the meaning behind each one, and so do you.

How. The. Fuck. Dare. You????????????

What in the HELL did I ever do to you???????? Why have you essentially plunged a fucking knife in my heart?! Because you're a selfish bitch that has no heart?! I never would have said it if it weren't true. Fuck. You.

Do I mean nothing to you? Does the last 13 years mean NOTHING to you?! You were my BEST FRIEND and you fucking killed me.

You got married. Your life changed. I get that. But I have been there for you through HELL. Remember in high school? You almost died? Yeah. I was there for you. Through everything. Even wrote that damn paper for you that almost got us in trouble.

We had prom pictures together, we walked together in HS graduation, we took pictures together as college grads. For 13 years you were always just a mile away, or just across the quad. Do you realize how long 13 years is? Let's put it this way. J, your nephew, was 5 when we met, and now he's graduated from high school. Next week it will be officially 13 years, when we met in Mrs. G's 5th grade classroom, and you hit me because you didn't realize I wasn't a boy like all your other friends. I hated you. Then you became my best friend. We were the awkward kids, the fat girls that people didn't pay much attention to. And then suddenly you were Miss Popular, and sometimes you forgot me. You'd disappear from my life for a few weeks or for a summer, but I always wrote it off and always "took you back" when you'd come back, because I always forgave you. We'd become thick as thieves again and nothing would separate us... until something new distracted you and I got forgotten again.

You're the reason I've done anything crazy. Really. You got me to drink before I was 21, to smoke pot AND trespass at the same time, to skip class or to drive without a license to Walmart the next town over. You got me to do spontaneous and ridiculous things, to meet new people and push my boundaries and live life the way it should be lived. You make me laugh. We'd ride your riding lawn mower in your yard and lay on the trampoline and read romance novels to each other, or I'd just be content hanging out with you while you cleaned your room. Go down the river with your nieces and nephews and lay out in the middle of the road to warm ourselves up even when I told you not to because you were so much more relaxed than I could ever be.

It's like a horrendous breakup. Everything reminds me of you. Movies, songs, books, foods, you name it. I have dreams about you all the time, of saying the things I'm saying now, only to your face.

I'd be a fucking fool to forgive you, but I know if you were standing in front of me now, I would in a heartbeat. You know me better than anyone, and I thought I knew you too. But you lied and you hurt me more deeply than I could ever admit.

I shouldn't have been surprised. The signs were everywhere. My parents never liked you, even if my aunt and my grandma and my cousin and the rest of my entire fucking family did. They told me you were selfish and rude and I didn't listen. I should have. You didn't tell me when you lost your virginity, when you got engaged (the first AND the second time), and you didn't tell me when your fucking wedding was even though I got the invite. Yet weeks before I won "Who Knows A Best?" at your fucking wedding shower... because I was THERE. We lived all of it together.

And yet you weren't there for me when I had my surgery. You came to see me ONE time with R afterwards, when I was hopped up on drugs and barely remembered my own name... and then ignored me for four months after. You didn't tell me we picked the same college, by coincidence, and when we lived on the same floor in the same dorm, but we still hung out and made friends... the same friends you later chose as your bridal party. You promised I'd be in it. But no. You lied. How did you THINK I'd react? That I'd be happy? Forgiving? "Oh, she promised I'd be in her wedding, but you know, M knows her SO much better...." NO. FUCKING BULLSHIT. I love those girls too, but why wasn't I there? Why didn't I matter?

You were going to be the godmother of my kids. We joked often about being in nursing homes someday together, terrorizing the nurses. Obviously a joke... but I really did think you were going to be in my life for that long. Why wouldn't you be? You were the best friend I had in the world.

And now.........................

The only good thing I can see right now is that you introduced me to fan fiction. Without that, I never would have met people that help make this pain go away, that showed me what true friendship means. That's the only thing I'm grateful to you for right now. Everything else is blinding pain.

Fuck you.

Love, L, HR & FT

Lisa's List of Grievances

I've been having issues. I'm sure anyone who knows me knows this already. My ulcer didn't come from nowhere...

So I had a suggestion from the person who is very quickly becoming the best friend I've ever had and probably will ever have, that I should write down my feelings in letter-form; getting it out in the open and off my chest. Rant and rave and all those good things. And I'm going to take that idea and run with it.

But in the spirit of wanting to improve my life rather than hinder it, I wanted to write my first post as a positive one, one of gratitude instead of anger. Cuz all you need is love, and all that jazz.

Dear Emmalee,

I don't know what I'd do without your friendship. I mean I lived the last 13 years thinking I had a best friend (who's going to get a letter of a lifetime here soon...), thinking I knew how friends treated a friend: greedy, selfish, rude. Fun to laugh with, but you know, not always there. Well now I know the meaning of a true friend because even though I've probably put you in a weird position more than once with my... emotions... you've stuck with me, even when you yourself are going through shit times. I'm always scared I'm not going to be good enough to deserve that, like that you'll finally reach your limit and say "OK, she's not worth the whining..." but so far, you've treated me better than anyone I've ever known, listened and given advise, but never pushed and never told me to STFU even when I probably should. AND we're brain twins. I swear it's true. It's odd how we had totally different backgrounds and yet found... friendmates? Not soulmates cuz neither of us believe in that. but you know what I mean. Maybe. Haha. In any case... I really do hope I can move to CA and be closer to you. That's not the only reason, but that'd be a huge fucking bonus. There's a huge amount more I could say. But I think you already know it. :-) Thank you. That's all. Just.... thank you.

Love, Lisa