And ready to rant. I think I'm going to start using this as my theraputic sound-off board. I need to vent, and I need a place to do it at without bugging family and friends. So yeah.
What to rant about first? I have so much to choose from. Crohn's disease, feeling fat and awful about myself, the fact that I'm single again, and oh so lonely, or that my work kills me daily? That I still live with my parents and no matter how hard I work I never seem to get any farther... that my friends live so damn far away that the only people I ever see are my coworkers and parents? That my sister is beautiful and I am not, and that she has (mostly) everything I want... at least in that she has a relationship and a body and men and women alike want her. She's popular and I am not. Well, I have friends, people who care about me, but not in the same way they like her.
I want more than I can have. I feel like I deserve so much. My body is falling apart and I'm only 25. I can't even have sex, even if someone actually wanted to with me. I mean my ex did but I wasn't into it... was it because I wasn't into her, or cuz I'm not into sex? But I think I want it... so it must have been that I was pretending to be attracted to her when I most definitely was not. When will I learn to not be with someone just so I won't be alone? 10 months is a long time to make a mistake like that... but I did. I liked knowing someone wanted me. I get some kind of sick pleasure knowing she probably still wants me and I'm doing just fine without her... I'm a terrible person most likely for thinking that. But it's true. I'm lonely but not lonely enough to go back, and I'm happier now so I guess that's good.
But that doesn't take care of the lonely. How I have no one, not really. No one even texts me first. I've never been the first person anyone ever thinks of, and I hate that.
And I hate how no matter how hard I try I never get anywhere in life. The same days, over and over and over and over and over... you get the picture. I hate it here. I hate the way my life is turning out. Sure I have a job, I have benefits, I have things that are good to have in life. Hell, I have a retirement plan. But what else do I have? Not looks. No other real accomplishments. I've been places but I'm going nowhere. No plans, no fucking clue what I'm going to do with myself.
I always feel like I have to explain why I look as fat as I am... fucking meds.... why I'm working out with no results. Why I work my ass off at work and get no thanks or recognition, just more bitching. Why I'm killing myself over a job that means nothing. I won't be getting a raise after a year I'm sure, nothing. Just more work and more crap.
And I do it having tons of pain. And I do it knowing nothing's going to change. I'm turning into nothing, just like the people I see every single day that were stupid enough to stay in this town... I'm one of them. I'm fucking stupid, I came back. I should have stayed in Hawaii. I was suffering but at least it would have been somewhere else. I wish I were bolder, could just lose my responsiblity and go. But I can't escape. My consciousness won't allow me to do it. Fuck me.
And thinking about all this and venting it all out hasn't helped. It makes me feel fucking worse about myself. I don't know how I'm not more depressed than I am. I mean I am, but not as bad as it could be and I don't know why. Maybe it's just all internal, eating me alive from the inside out. That must be it. Sometimes I feel so... icky inside. Like nothing's good. And I just keep hoping it'll all get better and it never really does. I need change and someone good in my life and.... yeah. I'm a fat, ugly dog who never got respect to begin with so why would that change? It won't. Ever.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Men!
"If you want, I can just do you in the ass."
"Come on, let me fuck your mouth, just don't bite me."
"If you turn over, I'm going to molest your ass."
"I know you've seen porn, you should know how to do this."
"Why don't you get more excited?"
"Oh you are a horny bastard... I just met you 20 minutes ago and look where my hand is now..."
"You didn't get me all the way but you tried."
"What you're doing is weird."
"It could have been worse."
"You're broken."
Why do I let them talk to me like that?? I've only been with two guys. "Alan Rickman" and "The Moron." And yet both of them were so hurtful. I know they're not right. I know I'm not broken. But wow, the more I think about it, the more frustrated with myself I get. I let myself be touched by idiots, I let them do whatever they wanted just because no one else ever had, and then I get to suffer the indignity of listening to them treat me like crap. And I don't even say anything in response. Like my hormones make me deaf. I'm not a feminist per say... but I know what they said isn't right.
They said other things.
"Your lips are amazing."
"I'm in love with your tits."
"You're so soft."
"I don't know what it is you're doing, but it feels sooooo good..."
So I can't be all that bad. Deep down I know I won't be a tragic lover. I just need experience. Time. And someone who doesn't degrade me in the meantime.
"Come on, let me fuck your mouth, just don't bite me."
"If you turn over, I'm going to molest your ass."
"I know you've seen porn, you should know how to do this."
"Why don't you get more excited?"
"Oh you are a horny bastard... I just met you 20 minutes ago and look where my hand is now..."
"You didn't get me all the way but you tried."
"What you're doing is weird."
"It could have been worse."
"You're broken."
Why do I let them talk to me like that?? I've only been with two guys. "Alan Rickman" and "The Moron." And yet both of them were so hurtful. I know they're not right. I know I'm not broken. But wow, the more I think about it, the more frustrated with myself I get. I let myself be touched by idiots, I let them do whatever they wanted just because no one else ever had, and then I get to suffer the indignity of listening to them treat me like crap. And I don't even say anything in response. Like my hormones make me deaf. I'm not a feminist per say... but I know what they said isn't right.
They said other things.
"Your lips are amazing."
"I'm in love with your tits."
"You're so soft."
"I don't know what it is you're doing, but it feels sooooo good..."
So I can't be all that bad. Deep down I know I won't be a tragic lover. I just need experience. Time. And someone who doesn't degrade me in the meantime.
Monday, January 17, 2011
More Rant
It seems like I need another round of ranting, it's been too long since I've vented, and I need my ulcer to stop hurting again. Holding it in is no good for me, and it seems better to scream at the general noise of the internet rather than at a real live person.
Less personal.
Plus I can say the word "fuck" a lot without being yelled at by the parental units.
Which is a good enough place to start as any: my parents. I love them, I know I do. Just sometimes it's hard to. My mom especially. Today my dad pretty much summed it all up today: "Your mother is the definition of inexplicable." She really is. There's no rhyme, no reason, no logic, no anything that makes sense. The dogs are her life, I don't even think she cares about her marriage anymore, so long as she gets to spend my dad's money and save dogs. She doesn't do anything, she barely leaves the house. I'm scared she going to become one of those Hoarders people, like she'll start collecting pets and talking to herself and not washing her hair or something. It scares the crap out of me, and I get so sick of the dogs, and this house, and no one ever wanting to come over because of her. I mean, I had guys in HS tell me they wouldn't date me because of her. I'm terrified that's how it will always be.
Then there's Moron. I'll call him Moron because that's what he is. I made a bad choice. I could have stopped his advances, I didn't have to let him feel me up. That's all my fault. I didn't have to do anything with him and I let it happen and I didn't like it and I can't believe I let it happen. I can't even say I was drunk this time. At least I knew his name. But now he won't leave me alone, and it's not like I want him around- even if he's the only guy that's ever wanted me.
I'm just terrified I'll be alone forever. No, Moron's not an option, but it terrifies me that I'm 24 and just as alone as when I was half my age. That I've still never had a relationship. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me and I'll never find him/her. I want a family, I want kids, I want to lose this v-card and have a life that involves human touch. I literally stumble through my life, I cry a lot, I'm simply not happy. It's like I imagine this ghost, the one I'm supposed to be with, I can feel where they're supposed to be beside me but I reach out and they're just not there... That probably sounds really crazy. I'm sure it is.
I have been happy before. I know England was where I was happiest. I also know that there have been people who made me happy, then decided that they didn't want me anymore. That I wasn't good enough. That I'm not worthy. And I still don't know why. And I still cry about it because I think I deserve happiness. I just don't know where to find it.
I want to move. Get out of here. Leave this place because I feel like I'm choking. I can't support myself, and all I want is to be independent. In Hawaii I wanted to die, but at least I was taking care of myself. I was literally at poverty level, but I'm not much better now and I feel like an insignificant person. My coworker says she wants a baby by 25 because she feels like she'd have lived life enough by then, fulfilled. I say, just wait honey. By the time you're my age, you'll feel like you've never done a goddamn thing. I have a degree. I've traveled a bit. And that's all I can say for myself. It feels like nothing. I feel tiny. I feel so unimportant. Nothing amazing has happened to me. How could I ever feel accomplished??!! I live with my parents, I live in my goddamn home town that's the crappiest place on the planet, there's nothing here for me. Nothing.
I feel so lost. I feel broken and alone. I was listening to Crash and Burn today, you know, by Savage Garden, and every word like... spoke to me. I was the "you" in the song, the one crashing and burning. Literally falling apart at the seams.
I need my friends. Where are they?? Too goddamn far away. I can't take this anymore. I don't know how I even make myself get up in the morning, I just don't. I do, because there is still this optimistic part of me that believes I really will be OK somehow. But sometimes the clouds around my head are so dark I can't see the light, there's no future just right now, and right now sucks. So bad.
So alone.
Just........ AHHHHH
Less personal.
Plus I can say the word "fuck" a lot without being yelled at by the parental units.
Which is a good enough place to start as any: my parents. I love them, I know I do. Just sometimes it's hard to. My mom especially. Today my dad pretty much summed it all up today: "Your mother is the definition of inexplicable." She really is. There's no rhyme, no reason, no logic, no anything that makes sense. The dogs are her life, I don't even think she cares about her marriage anymore, so long as she gets to spend my dad's money and save dogs. She doesn't do anything, she barely leaves the house. I'm scared she going to become one of those Hoarders people, like she'll start collecting pets and talking to herself and not washing her hair or something. It scares the crap out of me, and I get so sick of the dogs, and this house, and no one ever wanting to come over because of her. I mean, I had guys in HS tell me they wouldn't date me because of her. I'm terrified that's how it will always be.
Then there's Moron. I'll call him Moron because that's what he is. I made a bad choice. I could have stopped his advances, I didn't have to let him feel me up. That's all my fault. I didn't have to do anything with him and I let it happen and I didn't like it and I can't believe I let it happen. I can't even say I was drunk this time. At least I knew his name. But now he won't leave me alone, and it's not like I want him around- even if he's the only guy that's ever wanted me.
I'm just terrified I'll be alone forever. No, Moron's not an option, but it terrifies me that I'm 24 and just as alone as when I was half my age. That I've still never had a relationship. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me and I'll never find him/her. I want a family, I want kids, I want to lose this v-card and have a life that involves human touch. I literally stumble through my life, I cry a lot, I'm simply not happy. It's like I imagine this ghost, the one I'm supposed to be with, I can feel where they're supposed to be beside me but I reach out and they're just not there... That probably sounds really crazy. I'm sure it is.
I have been happy before. I know England was where I was happiest. I also know that there have been people who made me happy, then decided that they didn't want me anymore. That I wasn't good enough. That I'm not worthy. And I still don't know why. And I still cry about it because I think I deserve happiness. I just don't know where to find it.
I want to move. Get out of here. Leave this place because I feel like I'm choking. I can't support myself, and all I want is to be independent. In Hawaii I wanted to die, but at least I was taking care of myself. I was literally at poverty level, but I'm not much better now and I feel like an insignificant person. My coworker says she wants a baby by 25 because she feels like she'd have lived life enough by then, fulfilled. I say, just wait honey. By the time you're my age, you'll feel like you've never done a goddamn thing. I have a degree. I've traveled a bit. And that's all I can say for myself. It feels like nothing. I feel tiny. I feel so unimportant. Nothing amazing has happened to me. How could I ever feel accomplished??!! I live with my parents, I live in my goddamn home town that's the crappiest place on the planet, there's nothing here for me. Nothing.
I feel so lost. I feel broken and alone. I was listening to Crash and Burn today, you know, by Savage Garden, and every word like... spoke to me. I was the "you" in the song, the one crashing and burning. Literally falling apart at the seams.
I need my friends. Where are they?? Too goddamn far away. I can't take this anymore. I don't know how I even make myself get up in the morning, I just don't. I do, because there is still this optimistic part of me that believes I really will be OK somehow. But sometimes the clouds around my head are so dark I can't see the light, there's no future just right now, and right now sucks. So bad.
So alone.
Just........ AHHHHH
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I get so confused....
Sometimes I don't know where I'm going.
I know what I want to do. I have goals. I have dreams. I have aspiration and ability.
But do I know how to get there?
Will I ever know?
Fuck.
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