I'm Back...

And ready to rant. I think I'm going to start using this as my theraputic sound-off board. I need to vent, and I need a place to do it at without bugging family and friends. So yeah.

What to rant about first? I have so much to choose from. Crohn's disease, feeling fat and awful about myself, the fact that I'm single again, and oh so lonely, or that my work kills me daily? That I still live with my parents and no matter how hard I work I never seem to get any farther... that my friends live so damn far away that the only people I ever see are my coworkers and parents? That my sister is beautiful and I am not, and that she has (mostly) everything I want... at least in that she has a relationship and a body and men and women alike want her. She's popular and I am not. Well, I have friends, people who care about me, but not in the same way they like her.

I want more than I can have. I feel like I deserve so much. My body is falling apart and I'm only 25. I can't even have sex, even if someone actually wanted to with me. I mean my ex did but I wasn't into it... was it because I wasn't into her, or cuz I'm not into sex? But I think I want it... so it must have been that I was pretending to be attracted to her when I most definitely was not. When will I learn to not be with someone just so I won't be alone? 10 months is a long time to make a mistake like that... but I did. I liked knowing someone wanted me. I get some kind of sick pleasure knowing she probably still wants me and I'm doing just fine without her... I'm a terrible person most likely for thinking that. But it's true. I'm lonely but not lonely enough to go back, and I'm happier now so I guess that's good.

But that doesn't take care of the lonely. How I have no one, not really. No one even texts me first. I've never been the first person anyone ever thinks of, and I hate that.

And I hate how no matter how hard I try I never get anywhere in life. The same days, over and over and over and over and over... you get the picture. I hate it here. I hate the way my life is turning out. Sure I have a job, I have benefits, I have things that are good to have in life. Hell, I have a retirement plan. But what else do I have? Not looks. No other real accomplishments. I've been places but I'm going nowhere. No plans, no fucking clue what I'm going to do with myself.

I always feel like I have to explain why I look as fat as I am... fucking meds.... why I'm working out with no results. Why I work my ass off at work and get no thanks or recognition, just more bitching. Why I'm killing myself over a job that means nothing. I won't be getting a raise after a year I'm sure, nothing. Just more work and more crap.

And I do it having tons of pain. And I do it knowing nothing's going to change. I'm turning into nothing, just like the people I see every single day that were stupid enough to stay in this town... I'm one of them. I'm fucking stupid, I came back. I should have stayed in Hawaii. I was suffering but at least it would have been somewhere else. I wish I were bolder, could just lose my responsiblity and go. But I can't escape. My consciousness won't allow me to do it. Fuck me.

And thinking about all this and venting it all out hasn't helped. It makes me feel fucking worse about myself. I don't know how I'm not more depressed than I am. I mean I am, but not as bad as it could be and I don't know why. Maybe it's just all internal, eating me alive from the inside out. That must be it. Sometimes I feel so... icky inside. Like nothing's good. And I just keep hoping it'll all get better and it never really does. I need change and someone good in my life and.... yeah. I'm a fat, ugly dog who never got respect to begin with so why would that change? It won't. Ever.